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Question from Trapped on Burger King  on 1/7/2011 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I am an Ettin that searches the galaxy for gadgets in my shuttle. One day, I found a particularly nice looking blue planet and landed there. Judging by the signs I saw everywhere, it was named either 'Burger King' or 'One Way'. There were many gadgets on this planet. I found a large barn called a 'Radio Shack' and took a nice haul from there. As I was taking the gadgets to my craft, a strange and noisy vehicle approached me. Two Ettinoid life forms got out and asked me what I was doing. I said I was taking the gadgets to my craft. "Why?" they enquired, and I replied "So I can take them home and put them with my stash. Maybe I will trade them for cheese." Well, this seemed to offend them somehow. Now I am in some sort of an airlock. It is cold and there are annoying sounds emanating from the creatures in here. I cannot get home. Please help me escape (and get my gadgets back - they have been confiscated)!
- Trapped on Burger King


Dear Trapped on Burger King,
     This is the first time I've received a letter written on prison-issue toilet paper! I've managed to pass the news of your predicament onto the Hand. As I write this, it has logged off the computer and is busying itself in the kitchen, preparing a care package of home baked goods to send to you. Hopefully these tasty treats will bring you some comfort, especially the delicious carrot cake that I suggested. It?s packed with vitamins and an 'ironway ilefay' (an exotic delicacy) to help keep your spirits up... the Hand is an experimental cook. ;) Please enjoy every last crumb, as we wouldn?t want it going to waste. Fear not, with your industrious background, you?ll be a free Ettin soon enough. I also advise that you leave any gadgets behind, when you do eventually return home. They're probably faulty!
- Laura
 
Question from Tea Shee  on 1/5/2011 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I am the one who brews new flavors of tea. During the holiday season, I created a gingerbread flavor. Everyone loved it. So, I decided to make a sugar cookie flavor as well. But, it's not favored as much. They say it has a foul odor when cooked, and tastes just as bad. I don't understand how I could have made such an error! If this continues, my career could be in jeopardy! What should I do?
- Tea Shee


Dear Tea Shee,
     Tell me, what are su-gar-coo-kies, and what is gin-ger-br-ead? These ingredients are simply foreign to us Norns, and personally, I think I?d prefer some freshly squeezed carrot juice with my morning cheese. Maybe if you invent a tea that?s more to our tastes, such as Pumperspikel seed, or Quirky Cookie flavour, you'll attract more customers. As for this newfangled 'sugar cookie' concoction, I?d cut my losses and dump the entire batch into the piranha pool if I were you.
- Laura
 
Question from Shy Norn Girl  on 12/29/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I fancy a nice Norn. I wanna ask him out, but I'm not sure how, I'm so shy. Do you have any tips for me?
- Shy Norn Girl


Dear Shy Norn Girl,
     If this young Norn is as nice as you say he is, then I?m sure he?ll find your shyness attractive, so much that he?ll be the one who?s blushing! Grab the Grendel by the horns and invite him on a moonlit walk along the ship?s bridge, or enjoy a quiet meal for two. Imagine how romantic it would be, eating cheese while watching the tranquil waters of the Aquatic Terrarium, occasionally rippled by curious fish. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Grendel Philosopher  on 12/29/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I, being the smartest Grendel, and, if I say so myself, (which I do - I'll say it again, if need be) the most intelligent creature Albia has ever seen, am ONE calculation away from the secret to the universe! I am certain that the answer is the amount of boards that the Mongols could hoard if the Mongol hoards got bored, squared to the power of the amount of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked, divided by the amount of wood a woodchuck chucked, if a woodchuck could chuck wood, times the square root of the daily income of she who sells sea shells on the sea shore! Sadly, even I can't figure out the answer, being but a humble Grendel. Surely, a mighty Agony Aunt such as yourself could puzzle out the answer, given that you are so wise and bright.
- Grendel Philosopher


Dear Grendel Philosopher,
     Well, a cup of Shee Tea solves everything. I'm off to brew myself a pot now... to soothe my twisted tongue.
- Laura
 
Question from Disappointed Child Norn  on 12/25/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Why didn't Santa Norn come this year? I was trying my best but he didn't come to my house last night. Why didn't he? I'm so sad! Please help.
- Disappointed Child Norn


Dear Disappointed Child Norn,
     The Fallow Norns are on strike! Pulling the sleigh through the cold skies of Albia, and the chilly vacuum around the Ark, gave one of them a cold so awful that his nose glows bright red! Olive, another Fallow Norn, now laughs and calls him names, while the rest worry about their healthcare plan. The Ettins have also joined in with the protest, refusing to make any more toys with the gadgets they stole throughout the year, until the healthcare improves. Now parents everywhere have to buy their own presents for their hatchlings. Even the Grendels, who worked so hard to earn their stocking full of coal, have to spend the rest of the winter with an empty fireplace. Don't worry though, I'm sure Santa Norn will be able to smooth things over with his employees and you'll get your presents soon enough!
- Laura
 
Question from Piranha  on 12/23/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Great Laura, I beg of you your wisdom! Norns, Ettins, Grendels, Hands, all hate our kind! I can't see why. We are peaceful and calm, and want nothing more than to swim around happily. However, the creatures hate us! Occasionally, one will actually jump into our pool and beat us up, making such a flurry that the entire heinous affair is shrouded in bubbles! The creature then teleports away with some sort of black magic, leaving a pile of bones behind. The Hand seems to think that WE eat them! Can you imagine ANYTHING more ridiculous than a few tiny piranhas devouring a big fat Norn in a few seconds? The Hand is clearly far below our intellectual race, because it still blames us. What can we do?
- Piranha


Dear Piranha,
     I'm afraid your story is a bit too farfetched for me, or any other creature, to fall for such nonsense. As far as I?m concerned, your kind is untrustworthy, with your beady little eyes and discreet burps after each frenzy. The other day, I even spotted a piranha using a bone as a toothpick. Unfortunately, for these reasons, I'll have to decline the invitation for tea you so gracefully included.
- Laura
 
Question from Decorating Norn  on 12/21/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I got a hold of a Grendel-hide couch for cheap, for my little piece of land in C12DS Albia. It's a little bit torn up (the previous owner said somebody tried to turn it into a jacket), but it'll do. Or so I thought. Now I've realized I don't have anywhere to put it! My Grendel-hide loveseat, Ettin-fur comfy chair, and bramboo table and chairs take up almost all the space! Well, I can't let something like this go to waste. What should I do with it?
- Decorating Norn


Dear Decorating Norn,
     Well, you?re obviously a Norn who?s used to living in comfort, with enough luxuries to fill an airlock. Why not do a good deed this Christmas and donate the couch to the deprived Ettins, in their sparse Desert Terrarium, who have sore behinds from having nothing but volcanic rocks to sit on? I?m sure this generous act would warm your heart, greater than any expensive piece of upholstery ever could. However, if you?d rather be like Ettinezer Scrooge, seize this opportunity and trade in the couch, in return for some secondhand gadgets to sell at an extortionate price. Bah, hum-badbug!
- Laura
 
Question from Arctic Hunter  on 12/21/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I intend to go on a hunting expedition through the icy snows of Ostrova! However, on account of it being, well, arctic, I suspect there to be chilly temperatures! I have an ingenious plan on warming myself, though - Norn skins! Ettin fur is too thin, and the leathery, scaly skin of Grendels won't be much good. They are too hard to get, anyway. But I digress. Which Norn species do you think has the thickest and most luxurious fur to wrap myself in?
- Arctic Hunter


Dear Arctic Hunter,
     I am appalled. Skinning Norns for their fur is inhumane. We need to keep warm too, and I can?t say that naked is a good look for us. We?d be a laughing stock! It would be kinder to strap a couple of live Norns to your person instead. The Magmas would definitely keep your tush toasty, but they won't be happy when they get cold after a while. I think the Bruins are the best species for the job, not just for their warmth, but their plain, brown fur would create a fashionable contrast against the white, pristine mountain peaks. Be careful that you don?t tickle them too much though; their giggles could cause an avalanche.
- Laura
 
Question from Crazed NornBieber Fan  on 12/20/2010 | 1 comment | 2 likes

Dear Laura,
     Hi! I'm a female NornBieber fan! I love him! He's so dreeeaaammmy, but he won't notice me because all of the other fans. When he was saying "eem love hand" I threw a carrot at him with a bow on it, and he still didn't notice me! I even tried to shout to him "eem like NornBieber!" but he still didn't respond! Please help! I'm going to be BieberJr's mother!
- Crazed NornBieber Fan


Dear Crazed NornBieber Fan,
     I hate to be the bringer of bad news and shatter those closely guarded teenage dreams, like an egg cruelly crushed underfoot by a rampaging Grendel, but NornBieber is actually EttinBieber. Their childish looks and weird haircut are painfully clear, not to mention that they don't appear to have a distinguishable gender. As for not being noticed, I'm afraid EttinBieber has become far too absorbed in their new fame and status to see a simple Norn girl like yourself. They've lost touch with what?s really important. Dry those tears though, because when EttinBieber is finally exposed, you?ll still have your dignity... and hopefully a real, strapping Norn by your side too!
- Laura
 
Question from Scared Norn  on 12/17/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I walked into this place with a funny looking door, now there is a big noise and flashing lights, what is happening?
- Scared Norn


Dear Scared Norn,
     Unless you?re not really that fond of your limbs, and aren?t bothered about having them detached from the rest of your body, I?d get your tail out of the airlock QUICKLY! That poor, unfortunate Meerk may look lonely, up there in the atmosphere, but I?m sure you?re far too important to the Hand to go and keep it company.
- Laura
 

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