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Yomegami
Sanely Insane

Yomegami
United States  
Manager


 visit Yomegami's website: The Realm
  10/18/2015

I considered just posting this in the Hug Corner topic, but this is really more of an inquiry than it is a request for hugs (though incidentally, a good chunk of the reason I'm asking this is to find more sources for hugs in case I need them).

For a long while now, there hasn't been anyone (on the internet or otherwise) that I'd consider a real friend; that is, someone I'd seek out and talk to on a regular basis and would actually confide in. Lately, I've come to the conclusion that this really needs to change. Sometimes a guy's gotta have someone to lean on, and I've found that need's been getting bigger and bigger.

However, I've got another big problem: In case you weren't already aware of this, I'm also autistic. To be more specific there, I have the sort of autism that most would call Asperger's Syndrome. It makes me something of a moron when it comes to social interactions (it also makes me something of a moron in general, but that's not really relevant here). It's also given me a pretty massive fear of social interaction as well.

And therein lies the problem: I have a massive need and desire for true friendship, yet also am too scared of people to really get out of my comfort zone and actually meet people.

I figured I'd ask you people about it since...well, this is the internet community I've been a part of the longest, it's pretty small and close-knit, and out of the communities I'm a part of I think I get along the best with you.

So let me ask you: Do you have any suggestions for how to best rectify the situation I'm in?

I should note that I'm mostly looking for internet friends at the moment. I'm in no good position to make real life friends at the moment; I'm stuck at home most of the time and don't have a lot of opportunities to get out.


~ The Realm ~
D.L. Yomegami's Creatures Blog


 
savannahs11

savannahs11
United States  


  10/18/2015

I actually have Asperger's, too. At least everyone thinks I do. I have most of the symptoms, most notably crap handwriting, steamrolling people when I talk, and having nothing resembling a sense of direction.

sleep is for the weak and i am weak
 
Dragoler
Wrong Banshee

Dragoler
United Kingdom  


  10/18/2015

I am in the exact same boat as you Grendel Man.
I try to deal with it by seeking out MMOs, but they never seem to last very long... in fact, I recently just quit one called Dragon's prophet because my guild died...


Creator of the TWB/TCB genome base.

 
Wingheart

Wingheart
New Zealand  


  10/18/2015

I made online friends with roleplaying.
(I'm autistic too!)
One I met on MSPARP and we really liked the RP and both bookmarked it and then ended up talking more and more OOC and less and less IC, and now we just chat on a google doc haha.

The other one I met via Flarping, and some random RP escalated to the point where out characters shared a verse.

 
evolnemesis
Code Monkey

evolnemesis
United States  


  10/18/2015

I haven't been diagnosed, but I'm fairly sure I'm in this category too, I have almost all the symptoms, really bad at and some fear of social interactions, clumsiness, limited interests and activities that I spend inordinate amounts of time on... I felt totally alone and like I couldn't talk to anyone for years and years of my life, and now I'm just kind of numb to it, so I can definitely feel where you're coming from.

I had extensive psychological testing when I was in 5th grade because of social problems and not fitting in school and no interest in classes, but it was before Asperger's was even really recognized or diagnosed... Results just showed an IQ of 148, along with a lot of social awkwardness, difficulty communicating, self-effacing character, lack of interest in finding friends my own age, things like that... My non-interest in classes was easier to explain since not only did I not really have friends there, I had a college reading level already (I LOVED to read) and was also starting to work with algebra and computer programming in BASIC and Assembler on my Commodore 64, while my classes were still doing long division and things like that... I mainly avoided everyone, slept in class or played hooky, and just aced all the tests.

I feel much like you do Grendel Man, I identify with people in this community more than anyone else I know really, and I think I talk to people here even more than anyone in my real life... I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm kind of bad at the whole social thing myself... Still, if you ever want someone to just talk to, I'd be happy to talk about anything.


"For small creatures such as we, the vastness is bearable only through love."
"We are a way for the cosmos to know itself." - Carl Sagan

 
Papriko
Peppery One

Papriko
Germany  


  10/18/2015

Well, I have pretty much the same story to tell as evolnemesis. I am not officially diagnosed, but autism is believed to be partially genetic. Mum shows symptoms, dad shows symptoms and my brother is actually officially diagnosed to be autistic.

I wish I had any good tips to share with you, but I haven't figured out anything that works so far, sorry...


Lets play plants! Photosynthesis... Photosynthesis... Photosynthesis...
 
Dragoler
Wrong Banshee

Dragoler
United Kingdom  


  10/18/2015

Are you sure this isn't hug corner? Because I want to give/get hugs. :\

Creator of the TWB/TCB genome base.

 
KittyTikara

KittyTikara
United States  

 visit KittyTikara's website: The Mobula Ray
  10/18/2015

I don't have any advice either, but feel free to pm me. I'm in a somewhat similar position. My best friend, and only local friend, moved away earlier this year, and I just haven't had the... courage to meet new people. I have a few people online I talk to and consider friends, but it still gets a bit lonely at times.

The Mobula Ray - My Creatures blog
 
jcnorn

jcnorn
Sweden  


  10/18/2015

I'm not diagnosed with anything, and I don't think I have any of that. Besides the anxiety, panic and depressions. I am very much a loner though. 97% of my friends are online and spread across the globe. The few rl-friends I have only the one still lives in the same town as me and we talk/meet about once a month to play basketball. I think internet friends can be as good as rl-friends. The only difference is that you can't physically touch them, but that could be a good thing too.

This community is very friendly from my experience and I think the hardest part is taking a first step of saying 'Hi, how are you?' is the most difficult one. Most everyone here, not only those that already have posted, will give you a reply and that's the first step. After that you don't have to get into details of your entire life's story. But you can start with a 'How is your day going?' or 'How has your day been?' and remember to be honest when you get the question back. Follow-up questions are also good, that shows you are listening and taking and interest in the other person. People are more keen on taking an interest back if they feel like you are giving them the attention. Even if they are doing something you genuinely have no interest in, you can ask things like 'how long have you been doing that?' or 'Isn't that hard?'. People love that question, the hard-question. Because they like feeling smart and good at what they do. So if someone else finds something hard they get a bit of an ego-boost :D But don't do that if you think something is easy peasy really, because it'll come out that you already know how if the conversation goes deeper.

*admits to spending much too much time studying people from the quiet corner and deciphering social events*

And I'd love to get to know you more too! PM-box is always open.

 
punkmogwai

punkmogwai
United States  


  10/18/2015

I feel your pain, I have pretty much no social skills or friends, which I feel like is mostly due to having been home-schooled and my mom keeping me ridiculously isolated and not letting me do anything or go anywhere basically. Even though I have a lot of those same "symptoms" I kinda doubt I actually have anything because I wasn't always like that, I was pretty normal back when I went to public school, and that was the last time I really had friends or even got to talk to anyone my own age. Also I had online friends for a little while but we quickly grew apart when our interests changed and we had nothing to talk about anymore. And then my life got more and more messed up (long story), I went longer and longer with rarely even having the opportunity to talk to anyone besides my mom (who just makes everything worse, discourages me and puts me down all the time, etc.) and I got more and more unable to talk to people, both in real life and online, and now I feel like it's pointless because (especially in real life) any conversation would quickly get around to my life and how abnormal it is and I can't explain it, and people will get the impression that I'm even more messed-up than I am and not want to talk to me, and most people are way too normal and I can't relate to them (this sounds so emo). And I go through a bunch of obsessions with different interests and then don't care about them anymore, so having online friends would probably turn out the same way it did last time, and also in most online communities I'm in, most people are a lot younger than me which is a bit awkward. I could go on about the negative feelings caused by all this, but this sounds emo enough already.

Ok, rant over, I don't really know what the point of this post was, except adding to the swarm of people in a similar position, because it can be comforting to know that other people are going through a similar thing?

 
Trell
Wee Scrivener

Trell
Canada  

 visit Trell's website: TrellyOllyOxenFree
  10/19/2015

I also qualify for the aspergers/autism thingummy, and have similar difficulties with social interaction, though recently I have had some success.

For me, it was sort of a matter of throwing myself out there into varying fandom forums. Failed spectacularly, but kept on trying until I found someone I clicked with. It was difficult, terrifying even, but eventually I found a single friend I could talk to, but that ended bad and's in a whole different kettle of worms, or however that goes. It took me years, but my desperation for social interaction won out and most of my friends are offline now.

All that aside, basically, my advice would be to utilize any acquaintances you've got on websites you're comfortable with, and try to build the relationship from there, and expand it to social media maybe? That's how I got the friendship ball rolling.

Best of luck, luv~


Trell
"Holy crap in a casket!"

 
VioletGrendel

VioletGrendel
Ireland  


  10/19/2015

I have Asperger's too. I know exactly what you mean about it being very difficult to talk to new people. It really helps if you're part of a small group of people, who all share a common interest. For me that's campanology - the ringing of church bells. I am at ease talking to the people who ring, it's easy to talk to them because they are only a small group, and they're nearly always the same people.
I hope this helps, best of luck!


What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?

42!

 
Snails

Snails
Canada  


  10/19/2015

So, I just read about Asperger's Syndrome and I qualify for it. It'd explain alot of my behavior, but for now I'll just mention my advice and experiences.

I have been diagnosed with OCD, ODD, PSTD, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, and a uncureable deaf ear. My PTSD was caused by severe bullying growing up and from being in a abusive foster home that I was put in as a toddler. I often get told that I need to learn how to read social ques, which I've had a hard time reading my entire life. My deaf ear also doesn't help, as it affects my cordination, balance and hearing. I have odd motivations and I have scrambled eggs for brains in terms of thoughts and memories. Words never seem to come out right, which leads to emotional issues concerning communication.


I have more problems I probably forgot to list; but that not the point. The point is that I've figured out a way to deal with this. I act like myself, and if the person doesn't like me, I decide they're not worth it since they'll be boring and a pain to hang out with. People try to hurt me with words? I pretend to agree with them; with them saying something like "You're such a *bloop*ing worthless piece of *bloop*", to which I'd reply "Yeah, I know I'm a worthless piece of *bloop*" in a unbothered tone with a hint of cheeriness. If they figure they can't bother you, they tend to just give up and leave you alone.

GrendelM, if people don't want to try giving you their time or don't respect you, they'll be boring and won't be worth it. The friends I have now, irl and online love me for who I am and worry whenever they notice a chance in my attitude, even when my parents don't. I cheer myself up by making it my goal to make the people I love and care for laugh and brighten their day. Sure, you may not have many friends in the beginning if you do what I do, and you may have people think of you negatively, but if people listened to others about others all of the time, we wouldn't have been able to survive as a species. If they talk down on you, they're not worth it. Take pride in the people you care for and you'll become a ray of sunshine for those friends, even drawing in more potential friends when they see you and your friend(s) together.

(Sorry if this is everywhere.)


I'm GarbageSnail on SecondLife and Scum#4691 on Discord!
 
Yomegami
Sanely Insane

Yomegami
United States  
Manager


 visit Yomegami's website: The Realm
  10/19/2015

Thanks for all the help and support so far, guys. :) At the moment, I think my biggest problem is just getting over the fear. Besides that, I'm also worried about coming off as pushy or whatever (especially after posting this topic).

But I'll never know if I don't try, I guess.

On a different note, I wasn't quite expecting this to wind up being a "autistic get-together" thread. Heck, I'm surprised that there's this many of you here, some of whom I never would have guessed otherwise. Maybe we should start a group or something.


~ The Realm ~
D.L. Yomegami's Creatures Blog


 
C-Rex
Lollipop Lord

C-Rex
United Kingdom  

 visit C-Rex's website: The Norn Nebula
  10/19/2015

I used to be in a similar boat to you Grendel Man. Back in high school I never had any friends, and used to be picked on a lot. I was incredibly shy and looking back I believe I had selective muteness, where I couldn't talk to many people or give eye contact. I just preferred to be on my own, either in the computer room looking at Creatures websites or standing along thinking of fun stories and ideas in my head. I've never been diagnosed with asperger's but have several symptoms that are indicative of it, but that's another story for now.

Personally, I think the best thing to do is to find those with a similar interest to you and get to know them - eventually you will loosen up and be able to talk to these people without feeling shy or anxious. Of course I can't really speak for you as everybody is different, but if it can happen to me I'm sure you'll you'll slowly manage to become less anxious within social situationa..


Join the Norn Nebula Discord Server!
 
Trell
Wee Scrivener

Trell
Canada  

 visit Trell's website: TrellyOllyOxenFree
  10/19/2015

The fear lessens with practice. As for coming across as pushy, try not to worry about it. A lot of times, I think I often come across as incredibly annoying, but it's usually not the case. If you're worried about balance in a conversation, I'd say ask questions. People love to talk about themselves usually, so questions can help keep a conversation going without delving into small talk.

Trell
"Holy crap in a casket!"

 
Slohse

Slohse
United States  


  10/19/2015

Hey Grendel man? I don't have much to say on the autism part of this thread, other than "Be yourself and true friends will gravitate toward you." As for friend-making, everyone who posted on this thread cares enough about you to address your issues in the best way possible, at least, over the internet. I'd say that these people see you as a friend, you just didn't realize it before now. I know that I see you as a very important member of this site, and I'd be happy to help in any way I can. But, then again, I'm probably the youngest member, so what do I know? :P

[nsleepy]
 
hedjeroo

hedjeroo
United Kingdom  


  10/19/2015

Hey there! I think it was a really good idea for you to post this topic honestly. Speaking your mind and making your feelings clear is so very important. I think it's a very good step towards overcoming your fear. And starting here where you're most comfortable is definitely best - you already know people here are going to share your interests!

My biggest piece of advice I can give you about making friends is... try not to worry about that being the goal, I guess. Go ahead and keep talking to people about the stuff that interests you! The reason I can never remember how I made friends is because it just happens, there's no real thing to it, it's just talking about stuff, and people just end up clicking with you. I feel this is true for both on and off the internet, though off I've always found it a little harder.

I'm not autistic but I get very shy and paranoid, so I get how making friends can be scary. I think going easy on it can be kind of important, too, though - I have seen and experienced a lot of instances where someone, or myself, will get scared because of a very persistent person wanting to make friends. It's just excitement, but some people can feel kind of crowded or hassled by this? Like everything it's good to communicate clearly to avoid this. Patience is a good thing to keep in mind.

Everyone has had such good advice here, I hope this all helps you. And hey, if you'd ever like to chat, feel free to drop me a message :) (I hope I haven't just rambled a load of nonsense here though ;v; it's like 2am here and I'm getting a bit sleepy)

 
Lavendel

Lavendel
Canada  


  10/21/2015

I'm autistic too, albeit my exact diagnosis is actually PDD-NOS instead of Asperger's. But, I think I can relate pretty well to what people with Asperger's go through. I was diagnosed shortly after starting high school (which is apparently quite late) and honestly it really explained my general awkwardness and difficulty understanding certain subtleties in social interactions.

One thing that I've done to connect to more people is volunteer. I've been volunteering at a local aquarium and have gotten to know some of the other volunteers there, and I've gotten to interact with visitors too.

So, I would really recommend volunteering if you can find a place to do so. It really does help to connect you to a lot of people. (Plus, it looks good on a resume [ngrin])

Whichever way you decide to go about it, good luck!

 
TigerCivet

TigerCivet
Netherlands  


  10/22/2015

I'm not autistic, but in the past I have been incredibly shy but I have learned to deal with it and nowadays people don't see me as a shy person anymore.
When I was younger I couldn't relate with the few friends I had, I was more of a internet geek and wasn't into clothing, make-up and boyfriends like all the girls from my school. Back then I made a few friends through online games with whom I could share my passion for games and other geek stuff.
When I grew older, my friends started to go out and go to pubs, but I wasn't kind of the person to do such stuff, I just couldn't care less and since I was shy, I was very a shamed to meet new people and I felt like I was an awkward little girl. This kinda lead to me drinking to much, since I was a lot more open to other people when I had been drinking and I wouldn't feel awkward anymore. Yet this wasn't a good solution since it almost got me into the hospital once. From that moment on I decided to be myself and have people accept me the way I am. I have lost some friends, but the friends that stayed were really worth it!

Also: in some cases I have URGED myself to do something social, for example: I have once subscribed myself for a trip to Serbia to get in contact with new people and this really helped, since I didn't know anyone and I HAD to get in contact with people since I saw them all day long. But I can understand when this is a bit to much for you, you can also try to do some kind of course (for example one to learn cooking skills).

I think that being shy and your self-esteem are very much related. When you get rewarded (for example when you get a friend or someone asks for your phone number) your self-esteem rises and you become less shy. Also, when you get yourself together and be less shy, you will meet more people and your self-esteem will increase (if those people give some kind of reward of course). And this all will work as you being less awkward.

To me friends offline are more valuable than friends online, since online friends are a lot more difficult to build up a very strong bond. Although, when you have the time to build that bond, you can have some incredible friends online. Friends offline can be a little bit more rewarding though, since you can see them and you can laugh together and be physically in touch. But if you're the person that feels a little to shy to do that yet you can start off with some online friends. Try to find a game that has players you can talk to and try to get in contact. It may take some time and effort to find a good person but never give up and I'm sure you will find a friend :)

 
Moon

Moon
Netherlands  


  11/13/2015

I don't know if this is helpful, since your request has been a while, but here's to hoping that it is... I used to be afraid, terrified even, to talk to people too. Really, any moment I give it honest thought, I don't know how I do it. But one idea that has helped me a lot is the following; EVERYONE is afraid. Seriously. Even the "normal", or even "popular" "peoplesy" people. All scared they won't be liked :)

And maybe you're less scared than you think, because you made this post, and that's a very brave thing to do -- admitting firstly to yourself and then to others that you could do with some help takes courage.

Really, just start talking to people. To me, a big part of the fear was the idea that there's a "right" or "wrong" way of doing it... But there's really not. You're never simply "too pushy" -- maybe you can be "too pushy" for a certain person -- but that does in no way mean that there is some fault in you, but rather that you + someone else don't fit together very well.

Making "real" friends is going to be hard and takes time, and you're going to want to give up on the whole concept of friend making along the way, but as some clever people above have also pointed out; it will get better, your confidence will grow, and you'll thank yourself eventually. Before you know it, suddenly you'll find yourself with a handful of them (friends, that is) and oddly proudly wonder how the heck you managed that [nsmile]


Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
 
Salabasama

Salabasama



  11/23/2015

I will befriend you. It will be cemented only by sharing of souls as we have no prior connection. It will probably remain cold forever, but I am not a passionate person, so I am used to this.
 
Missmysterics

Missmysterics



  4/23/2016

This is kind of old, but still relevent. I hope?
Unfortunately I'm in much the same position as you Grendel man.
There always seems to be some sort of barrier to me seeing eye-to-eye with someone, be it age, disability (I have aspergers too),gender. They don't neccisarily have to be barriers, I guess it's kind of a matter of "demographic" rather than those specific differences. The older people are the less likely people will be interested in martial arts or dance; those that do exist are usually teachers or professional artists that don't associate with lower-level practitioners as peers.
There's my interest in Sonic, dinosaurs, celtic history, culture, it's kind of hard to find someone else who takes an interest.

I can't say for sure whether or not I'm bad at social interaction, I guess I am in someways, but I think I've had a lot of exploitative "friends" that kept acting like I "didn't understand" in order to get their way. It looks like I'm a bad judge of character at least.

An issue seems to be where to actually meet people, where do people meet people and make friends? The most simple answer seems to be "anywhere" but you can hardly approach someone who's just going about their business.

 
KC11

KC11
United States  

 visit KC11's website: DragonClawWritings (Tumblr)
  4/24/2016

Well, I was in the same boat as you Missmysterics (and a lot of people in this thread). I was scared of social interaction, and the whole thing of "exploitative friends that act like they don't understand to get their way" rings painfully true. To be fair I'm still frightened of a lot of social interaction. But I've definitely improved in the last five or so years.

I don't have aspergers. For a long time I was led to believe that I had aspergers or that there was just generally something mentally wrong with me by someone who had a vested interested in keeping me antisocial. That person was my mom. She had something wrong with her herself, probably should have never had kids, and ended up doing a lot of mental harm to me that I'm still unraveling today. I was a huge social butterfly when I was real little, but then I started withdrawing severely and getting incredibly anxious in social situations, probably because of the abuse stuff that was happening. Growing up in that kind of environment can "wire" your brain in a bad way, plus I was homeschooled and kinda isolated for a good portion of my life.

I started going on here and internet forums like it because I guess I really did need some sort of social life (funny enough, today marks the day I actually signed up for this forum so I guess it's fitting to say this now). So not only was I experiencing this "life stress" and isolated from homeschooling, but my earliest lessons in socialization took place online. Luckily on here people were nice but honest, but it got really bad outside of that.

Anyway, my life changed in a lot of ways around 15. I started going to community college, I joined up in the theater program where I took the risk of sending in a play and I actually impressed people. Like, for the longest time I'd just sorta been holed up writing to myself, and the first time I get out there and put myself out there people actually like my work. I met my current SO through that college, who I honestly owe a lot of good things in my life to. He's a social butterfly who encouraged me to talk to people and introduced me to some of our now closest friends. He helped me realize that the stuff that happened to me at home wasn't my fault - I mean, I sorta knew it was already, but having someone else validate it is something different.

More stuff happened in my life. My parents are now divorced and my mom has been completely out of the picture for almost three years now. Everything in my life has gotten so much better honestly. She had been forcing me into a major that I didn't want, now I'm studying what I want. She hated my SO, and most of my friends, now I don't have to worry about what she thinks. I still have problems, I still make mistakes, but I'm learning to be ok with that. And I now am part of a group of really close knit friends who I would do just about anything for, and we have done just about anything for each other.

This was a long rambling thing but I think part of the message here is: Don't be afraid to pursue what you love. And don't be afraid of yourself. If you pursue your passions, you're gonna run into people who share those passions. And, there you go, that's how you meet your friends. The next step is to talk to people, to not be afraid. And I think that best comes with the understanding that all the things that you think are weird about yourself are things that other people have in one form or another. I mean this in terms of personality quirks. There's a reason why a common stage anxiety trick is to picture the audience without any clothes on - a lot of social worries that we have involve putting people on a higher level than us automatically, when we're mostly all at the same level.

And if someone doesn't like you, well, they probably would have made a poor friend anyway.

There's the issue of manipulative friends. It's painful, but I think being able to avoid this only comes with experience.

Boy this got long.


Do not upset the ugly worm, lest it be a dragon in disguise. (>oo)>

 


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