Creatures Caves

There's a lot to critique, but here's a few I picked out in the first quarter or so of the chapter. These aren't the only problems I found, but they're the ones I can elucidate in a constructive manner.

while on the crowns their grew several tall, swaying poplar trees.

^ Possibly a typo, but if not, practice the difference between "there" "their" and "they're"

Alikora, Runnar's sister, and also a ruler of Taylinaj, although she had little or no wish to use magic, so she had no Crystals, although she had finished the magical training that all rulers took.

^ This run-on sentence is tying too many thoughts together, evidenced by the repeating use of 'although'. Break it into several sentences, and consider going into more depth about the details you're mentioning. If they're important enough to be mentioned here, you should elaborate. Else, delete them.

"I did too," Alikora paused, then said "There are three people outside who want to show you something of importance. Do you want to speak to them?" The way she emphasised the word you suggested that they had refused to speak to her, and she was annoyed about it.
"I'll see them." Said Runnar.

^ This section is lacking proper structure. Start a new paragraph for every speaker. The words in bold are unnecessary and can be deleted to improve the flow. Instead of the tell-y, rambling sentence about the girl sounding annoyed, try something simpler. Show how she seems annoyed, don't just tell the reader "she was annoyed".

Amongst the bustle of his castle, a small group stood out, in that they waited expectantly, and did nothing, save hold the heads of their horses. Runnar stepped towards them, and their heads swivelled to look at him.

^ This was both confusing and funny to read, because it sounds like the group is literally holding the severed heads of their horses, which then swivel of their own accord to face Runnar as he approaches.

The woman had vanished from his sight, but Runnar hardly registered this

^ If he didn't register it, don't mention it in the middle of a fight scene. Mention it when she suddenly reappears. Here, you are reminding the reader of her strange absence from the scene, ruining your own surprise reveal later.

Swiping his sword down, he sliced at the snout of one of the werewolves, for that was what they were.

^ Don't tell me what they are, describe them. Ideally, wait for a character to introduce the word "werewolf" in dialog before using it in your narration.

The vampire snarled at Runnar to shut up.

^ Falling squarely under the golden "show, don't tell" rule of storytelling, she should either snarl at Runnar, or tell him to "Shut up" with actual dialog, or both. Especially when you then immediately follow with dialog repeating this exact action.

She smiled silkily

^ Adverbs are evil. Dump it and describe exactly what "silkily" is supposed to look like. If you can't describe what a "silky smile" looks like to the reader, don't expect them to know what it looks like, either.

grinning in triumph again.
She lifted them triumphantly above her head.

(and other actions performed 'triumphantly')
^ Again: show, don't tell. Get rid of any instances of the adverb "triumphantly".

Runnar said wonderingly.

^ This is completely nonsensical to me. DUMP THE ADVERBS!

Also, never repeat an action like this. If the character says "What's this?" you don't need to follow it with 'he wondered' or similar. It has already been made obvious that he's wondering something.

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I'd continue, but this is unfortunately all I have time for. I will say that I noticed a couple of patterns developing, that probably continue to exist all the way through the text. So, based on the above examples, my top tips for improvement are:

1) Dump all adverbs. No survivors!
2) Show, don't tell!

These two simple rules will really force you to paint a truer picture for the reader. Describe body language. Make dialog meaningful, in the sense that every word choice is showing me this character's biases, suspicions, and mannerisms. Adverbs allow you to fly through scenes at lightspeed, not giving them enough time to have any visual impact.

This story, as far as I made through it, was a hurried sequence of scenes lacking in flavour and detail. The characters felt shallow; not because they are, necessarily, but because I was being told their emotions, instead of seeing them for myself. They felt like actors, instead of real people acting and reacting to events. It should never be necessary to tell the reader what a character is thinking or feeling-- it should be evident from their body language and dialog.

My suspension of disbelief was disturbed early on, when Runnar basically just followed an unknown group of strangers into the forest, without any questions asked. Does this seem like something a believable person would do? The impression I got from that scene was: he's either an extremely naive idiot, or it was just a poorly written scene. But the biggest problem is, I couldn't tell which.

That's all I got. I'm not the best writer myself, but I've shared what I can. Keep writing-- improvement comes with practice, and lots of it!